Transparency From the Oval Office
Posted by LK on 6/15/10 • Categorized as Blog, Business, Energy: alt and conventional, Environment, Featured, Health and Science, Psychology, survival
As cries for transparency have increased exponentially over the past 6 weeks, there’s no doubt that tonight’s Oval Office address by President Obama will closely resemble the following:
My Fellow Americans:
I don’t know what’s going to be more difficult: me getting my head out of the clouds and speaking the clear, simple truth to you, or you pulling yourselves away from your Xboxes and Dancing With the Idols long enough to pay attention. I was going to give this speech tomorrow night, but my advisers suggested that it’d be a good idea for me to appear so very concerned about the issues I’m about to address that I’d make the major sacrifice of skipping the first quarter of the Lakers-Celtics game.
As an aside, I asked if I could tape my Oval Office address and have it shown to the nation at 9PM EST while I watched the game live, but it was strongly recommended that we DVR the game in the residence, and catch it after I’m done speaking here. So don’t anyone dare send me final scores or highlight snippets on the BlackBerry.
That said, let’s move on.
We’ve been treating the Gulf spill like it’s simply a tricky bastard to plug up. Well, it’s that alright, but it may be far worse. We may have gone past the limits of what modern technology and human cooperation can control. The Federal government-BP coalition, yes, you heard right, the Federal government-BP coalition, has been feeding you a series of false hopes, much like a series of cliffhangers in a soap opera, or a professional wrestling story arc. We’ve been ratcheting up the blame game rhetoric and distracting you with 24/7 access to the live SpewCam, while nervously investigating far graver possibilities.
There are unconfirmed but credible reports of toxic gases and volatile organic compounds coming out of the seabed along with the oil, and when you stop and think about it, how could there not be? If nothing but light, sweet crude was down there we wouldn’t have this mess on our hands. Meanwhile, we’ll state that such claims are under investigation, as we work up the courage to fill you in on the details.
While we continue our hapless, but labor and capital intensive efforts to contain the oil, corral the slicks, barricade the marshlands, and clean the wildlife, we’re continuing to drill and align relief wells that damn well should have been put in place before anyone hit the on button. And, in case we can’t thread that subterranean needle, we’re consulting with our good friends the Russians to get what no doubt will be sincere and well intentioned counsel as to how they’ve successfully shut down some of their runaway gushers with the aid of nuclear weapons.
Of course, they’ve never done it in a deepwater environment as far as we know, so it’s possible that this potential solution will create an even darker and more unmanageable quagmire.
Transparency’s a bitch.
Good night, and may God Bless America.
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Good piece of satire! Makes a good point.
Here’s a short satire video on the same topic – handling the Gulf – that I think you might enjoy:
http://bit.ly/cGObyC
i think oboma is doing an ok job with trying to treat the spill. theres not a whole lot he really can do. he”s tried alot so far and theres just so much you can do to fix something like this.
What if the oil spill was a cover up for whatever other nasty things are being leaked there? Just a thought
i thinkbp should pay out the butt for what they did
I think he should fine Bp
I completely agree with the article above, a relief well should have been drilled a long time ago. Now its going to be a while before the gulf is beautiful again.
I conmpletely agree with the article above, a relief well should have been taken care of a long time ago. Now it will be long time before the gulf is beautiful again.